Sea Change
by AlwaysCastle
Summary: Sea change  Noun:      A profound or notable transformation.  this story is Co- Authored by Kimmiesjoy


**Yes we have done it again! _Kimmiesjoy_ has teamed up with me to give you this oneshot! (she really just missed me too much) I hope you all enjoy this bit of angst.**

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><p><em><strong>Sea Change<strong>_

The moon casts a sharp glow over him, catching his face in repose. Not soft, nor aglow like it should be, but in a broken tranquility that deflects from the purpose. The moon is supposed to be the enhancer of romantic moments and the guider of tides - the satellite around which two opposing forces orbit, and find a common path.

But not in this moment. No. The moon is harsh, deep and brooding. Their paths have run distantly parallel instead of intersecting. He's close, but not where she thinks she can reach him, and Kate doesn't know what to do. She can only stare at him, watch the man who will not look at her. Castle refuses to even throw her an acknowledging glance, as though she just tore his heart out and let it fall to the ground at their feet.

All she can think of doing is making it right, somehow. But at this precise moment in time, staring at him, at what he is letting her see of him, Kate just doesn't know how to do that. In situations like these, he is the one who knows how to approach. He is the instigator of emotional conflict and Castle guides her into the moment with him, gives Kate the freedom to express the things she would otherwise keep locked up. He does that for her, and as well as she knows him, Kate realizes, she has no idea of how to do that, _be_ that for him.

Kate wants to speak. To shorten the emotional distance between them with words, but that's more of a Castle thing. And right now, she is seeing more of Richard Castle then she ever has before. Without his words, without the smile in his eyes. The man child she used to know...that 9-year -old on a sugar rush is gone. Replaced with...well..she has no idea, but it scares her.

She lets her eyes drift from his face for a fraction of a second, to the moon brilliantly white and large in the sky. His face is centered in this magnificent circle, as if a profile on a coin. Kate could get lost in the splendor of this scene if it wasn't for the adulterated silence.

She could break it with a touch, or maybe extend it further, let it lapse into something comfortable and meaningful when they connect, rather than...this.

Kate isn't sure how to do that though, again, she is treading on his toes, stepping into territory that is completely unknown.

It shouldn't be this hard to reach out and grab his hand.

Maybe not his hand...but.. any part of him. She should just stop thinking so loudly and just do it. Be a doer. Kate Beckett is not normally a watcher. She doesn't sit around watching as the doers, well.. do. So why is this any different?

Because this is Castle. He's the doer in this...non relationship. And she sits idly by and just, watches or waits or .something else less than unhelpful.

She nods her head, and the slight movement breaks the barrier almost, as she sees him slant his head ever so slightly. The coin tips, and the movement is all downhill.

She's already standing close enough to feel the heat radiating off his body, warming him up in his saturated clothing. So it wouldn't take much effort to touch him. It would be soft, and hesitant if she hooks her pinkie with his. But she does nothing of the sort... instead she watches as droplets of salty water help form goose bumps on his flesh. It startles her with some deep rooted reason that will forever scar her, but she doesn't let it show. Instead her eyes stay glued to his stone like expression.

Her finger, just one little finger, will not comply with her inner desires. She eyes his hand, the fingers that she yearns to twine with his, hers ache for him. To comfort him in whatever this is he's fighting with. And it may not be _his _touch that comforts her...the feel of his warm flesh with hers...but she needs some sort of stability.

Kate stops the movement she didn't know she was making, letting her arm fall to her side. She pushes away the urge to reach for him. She suppresses a sigh and comforts herself all in one sad, lonely twist of her fingers. It's then, she waits...which is ironic because he seems to be the one who's always waiting. At least Castle knows what he is waiting for. Where as Kate is still in the dark.

Castle's shadowed face lifts. His eyes darkened pools of pain, anger, as he turns towards her they drop to where her finger is hooked with her own. He shifts his eyes and stares at her again. He can't comprehend the feel of her skin against his, because it isn't like he hoped it would be. But he lets his mind focus elsewhere; away from the look in her eyes that, if he stares too long, will make him give in and back down. Castle isn't even focused on the rain of water that still falls from his clothing on the cold dark ground.

He waits, his focus on something she can't see, or understand.

She bites her lip. looking down at her joined pinkies. She pulls on them, looking up into his eyes that are studying her as though she is the most mysterious person he has ever met. She already knows this, only, the look is altogether new and frightening, as if he sees something he doesn't like.

After another stretch of time, the passage of meaningless minutes and seconds that she has not been paying attention to, Kate decides she needs to end the silence, break the tension. It's not even the tension she has grown used to, that she on occasion enjoys, this is something else entirely. It's fragile and it hurts.

"What is it?" Kate asks, her voice quivering with her damp skin.

"Really?" Castle turns, breaks through this thick fog of grief and emotion, the tepid air of the unspoken giving way to the full force of what he is feeling, everything that was previously trapped behind his eyes "You have no idea? _Really?_"

Kate opens and closes her mouth, looks out at the water where her car has sunk deep into the Hudson and back at him. She resists the urge to shrug. Instead she presses her lips together, forcing them into a thin white line. The look of despair on his face has left her speechless.

She bites down on the pink flesh and sighs exasperated. "What do you want me to say?" She finally gets out. She's truly lost and the adrenaline is sinking fast and she's shivering. "Did I do something?"

"Did you do something?" He drags his hand across his eyes, pressing the heels of his hands into the closed lids until he see stars. It's in frustration and disbelief, that Castle shakes his head."No."

"Castle."

His fists fall from his eyes, "You did NOTHING, Kate. You _sat_ there and let the water wash over you,. You gave _up_."

"I.." Kate stumbles back. Her eyes darting to the river again and her vision blurs, her heart clenching in her chest painfully. She can see the water as it rises over her eyes before she takes a breath. "No.."

He laughs, but its hollow, meaningless "Yes, yes you did, you gave up."

A crease forms between her eyes. Kate plants her feet, legs stiff and back straight. "No." She says, one eyebrow raises in that way it often does when she is schooling him on a case. "I ran out of air, Castle." Now her arms cross and she's looking at him like she is right, as if it's the _only_ explanation.

He's fuming. She always has to be right, but in this case, she's not...she's just _not,_ and he can't take it anymore. His arms fly out wide in desperation and anger as he stares her down "_Don't_ stand there and say 'no' and try to justify it! You gave up."

"Stop saying that!" She turns from him. She had this. She so had this. But those words, they cut to the quick, and she loses her resolve.

He points at her "Di-did you want to die...Kate?" He asks, his voice low and disbelieving, yet there is a hint of accusation in there, and it burns.

Kate gasps. "No.. no Castle!" She advances on him then, "You can't seriously believe I want that... After all I have been through? After all _we_ have been through?" She actually reaches her hand out to him before she knows what she is doing.

But he steps back. His voice low. "I waited for you." He lets out a sigh, slow, sad and resigned. "I waited for months." He lifts his eyes and Kate can see they are brimming with tiny beads of moisture, "Not months, no. I waited for you for _years _and you gave up on me in **seconds**."

When he turns his back on her, it's as though she's been slapped in the face, or worse. Maybe it's _her_ heart that's been torn out, and has fallen to the ground, or it's been tossed into the water.

"Rick, please.."

Her voice is breaking like shards of glass through his chest, piercing his heart. But he can't bear to turn back and face her. Castle closes his eyes and fights the rising sense that he is in the wrong, that he should be the one to turn back around and make things right.

He grits his teeth and fights it. Fights this need that has always been inside him to protect her. But it's not Kate who needs protecting this time. It's him. So no, he won't just let this go. He won't give her an easy way out, not this time. This time she has to fess up to her own grievances.

When Kate sees he is making a stand...against her, she begins to shake. Not from the cold, or from the clothes drying ever so slowly on her body. But from the vulnerability of it all. She's the one who never backs down, and he is the one who follows.

But this is different, it's a transformation in their partnership she's not sure they are ready for. Kate is fairly certain _she_ isn't ready for it, but fate has intervened and she can feel herself teetering on the edge of something huge. Kate wanted to dive in head first when she was ready, she didn't want to be pushed into the deep end.

"A fleeting moment." She says. As if it's the only answer he needs as if Castle truly can read her mind, can hear the inner tirade and hatred at her own weakness. But she knows it cant' and he hasn't. Kate has known all along he's going to need more from her. He deserves so much more from her, more _than_ her.

He's always been able to read her...she's hated it, and somewhat accepted it, grown to appreciate it, but this is one of those times where she wishes she could hide it all away, even from herself...because yes. She did give up.

But it was only a moment.

"That's all." She adds, a finality.

When he doesn't turn around, or even indicate he is listening, she sighs and pushes her quivering hand into her damp hair. If he wants her to talk, then she'll talk.

"I did...okay?" Her voice is raspy. "I gave up! But maybe you should think about it for a minute before you accuse me of being suicidal!" She clasps her hands over her mouth. That was NOT meant to come out like that.

As he's turning around she's already shaking her head at her own outburst.

"What?" There is a whole different level of pain across his face now, the deep lines at the edge of his mouth and eyes, are brought into stark contrast with the light of the moon. Shadows where there should be light... and she did that to him.

She's still shaking her head, eyes wide and tears barely holding onto her eyes.

"Kate, what?" Anger or not, pain or not, he can't stand idly by and leave that floating between them, because it won't float for long, it will sink, like her car, and it will drag them down with it. Her unexpected statement, if left alone, will drown them both.

Kate digs her fingers into her scalp and stares at him. Her hand is still over her mouth and her eyes keep darting to him and away, as though his expression is repeatedly reeling her in. Kate wants to force her eyes to look away, but she is drawn back by the depths of his...terror? disappointment? Shock?

Something.

Something so twisted, her heart, no, her soul, curls deep in her body and she's found herself standing on the edge of a precipice..or craning her neck above water, or holding onto that steering wheel for dear life... a life, she only for a fraction of a second, was willing to give up if she lost him.

And she thought she had, honestly and completely Kate had been convinced he was dead less than a foot away from where she sat, trapped, awaiting the same fate. What was she supposed to do? How could she hang on with that knowledge weighing her down?

It's then she turns away from him completely, walking to the waters edge and looking out at the tiny ripples of the surface. Can her own murky depths be broken at the surface? Can she emerge from the darkness in which she almost drowned, to be safe again, with him? Stand on solid ground, the place he led her without even knowing, or will she just stay behind the veil?

Giving up _has_to mean something. However morbid the idea of it may be. But this time, Kate Beckett had something to lose. Something she thought she had already lost. Isn't that supposed to mean something?

"I thought I lost you." She says barely above a whisper. The rasp in her voice from coughing up water, makes it harder or easier to hear. Either way he turns towards her slowly. "I watched for you...when you went under to get my gun...I was hop- hopeful." She chokes. Her eyes closing and the images pour into her consciousness like rushing water into a broken bottle; trying to fill every inch of it leaving her suffocating.

She can hear the sound of his footsteps on the gravel, but he doesn't get closer, and she doesn't open her eyes. "And when you didn't come back up...I called for you... and the longer you stayed under, the more I lost hope..."

She opens her eyes, and she can see his profile in her peripheral. Turning her head ever so slightly, she gets a better glimpse of him. His fists at his sides and the hard angles of his face that the moon still will not soften. It's persistent in showing her the harsher side of her partner.

She raises her chin, "I thought I lost you, Rick." She says to the moon, finding the strength he seems to be channeling from it.

His voice floats past her in an emotionless cloud. "So what if you had?" As he speaks those words rain down more heartache. Thunder crashes of painful truth that drips through onto the both of them.

Kate stares, It's her turn to be impacted by true feelings. By, the blatant and almost _ominous_way he talks of his own demise burns through her chest, a whole new bullet wound to contend with. She shakes her head, trying to find the words to contradict him, to reassure the impossibility. Kate clutches at her own chest, the pain too real to even comprehend as she faces the reality of what she had actually felt, trapped, drowning and without him, in the car.

"You..." she shakes her head again, as the words tumble into an abyss of her own creation. A deep, dark tunnel that she pushes everything into when she can't deal with them. Puts them away and out of sight. But Kate wants the words back, needs them. "I can't..."

Castle lifts his head to the cracked and jagged sound of her voice, the pain he put there, but he still doesn't move, he can't understand how she doesn't see. "It happens to us all eventually Kate," he shrugs like it means nothing. "Maybe not like this," Castle waves his hand, fingers loose as he gestures across the water that still ripples, calling them back. "Life doesn't just stop because someones gone Kate, god, _you_ of all people should know that."

It's a low blow, he realizes, using her mother. He watches the way her eyes flash to his, anger amongst the hurt now. "Me being..." He sighs, "gone... it shouldn't be an excuse for you to give up, it should make you fight harder, make you more determined to get back to life Kate, to _live_ it."

It takes him a long time before he can speak again, the words that come next are too painful to rush free. To escape without some scraped blood trail as they exit his mouth, razor blade sharp, still, after all this time. "I watched you _die _Kate, and I can't blame you for that, it wasn't your fault, but today...I watched you give up," He drags his hand across his eyes, over the rough edge of his jaw. "I saw you give in, and that _was_your fault."

She has failed him.

She feels the tears before the lump forms in her throat so painfully she chokes. She turns away from the water, and drops her chin to her chest. Kate Beckett is supposed to have strength because he believes in her. And without that belief, her heart also loses that depth he feels so strongly about. He _is_her heart.

But how does she tell him? How does she explain to the man who's made a career out of putting emotions and things unspoken, into words - that, like her mother, without him, she will sink into herself. That she wasn't truly living until she met him? God, was she even breathing before him? Because the tightness in her chest is increasing the further he withdraws from her, and its all too familiar.

How can she express this?

Kate takes in a deep breath, the salty air, cool and memorably painful as she struggles to get it into her lungs. Her body quakes as her mind just screams to get the words out. Just say how she feels and maybe, just maybe, he will understand why she let herself give up for just a fraction of a moment.

She exhales, long, and slow, "I thought you died Castle." She can feel it. That burring need within, to make him see, to understand.

She hears the gravel beneath his feet and her heart quickens. She can feel him close, so close the heat from his chest is at her back, but he's still far enough away to give her all the space she needs. But he's waiting for something.

When she realizes it's not enough, she aims for his heart instead. Her chin comes up from her chest to look over her shoulder at him. "I love you." She says with a shrug. Her eyes lock with his, the moon casting the perfect glow onto his face. "Do I need any other reason than that?"

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><p><strong>Oh we <em>do<em> love a good review :D**


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